Betelgeuse, sung:
Gb
Hey, folks! Begging your pardon!
D
‘Scuse me! Sorry to barge in
B                                           A
Now let’s skip the tears and start on the whole
       Ab
Y’know

Being dead thing


Gbm
You’re doomed! Enjoy the singing
D
The sword of Damocles is swinging
B
And if I hear your cell-phone ringing
      A
I’ll kill you myself
     Abm
The whole being dead thing!


Bm
Death can get a person stressed
     Gb
“We should have carpe’d way more diems

Now we’re never gonna see ‘em!"
Abm
I can show you what comes next
                   Db
So don’t be freaked
                   D
Stay in your seats

I do this xxxxxxxx, like, eight times a week!
Db
So just relax, you’ll be fine

Drink your fifty-dollar wine

And take a breath!


Ensemble:

Welcome to a show about death!


Betelgeuse:
Gb
You’re…
                 E
You’re gonna be fine…
        B
On the other side…
Gb
DIE! YOU’RE All GONNA DIE! YOU’RE All GONNA DIE!
Gb
I'll...
              E
I’ll be your guide...
       B
To the other side…


Ensemble:
D                                Db
Oh, and full disclosure: It’s a show about death!


Betelgeuse:
Gm
Everybody gets on fine here
     Eb
Like Rodgers, Hart, and Hammerstein here
C
The women’s bathroom has no line here

Just...
(nc)
Pee where you want!
    A
The whole being dead thing!
Gm
You’re just gonna love the folks here
Eb
Yeah, I know you’re woke, but you can take a joke here!
     C
And every show I do, like, a ton of coke here

The whole-


heavy sniffing:

pah-hah! The whole being dead thing!


Cm
Nobody is bullet-proof!
G
“I work out, I eat clean!”
Gm              F
Jesus, pass the Dramamine
Cm
Time to face the brutal truth:
       Dm
‘Cause we’re All on a hitlist

Might not live ‘till Christmas

Choke to death on Triscuits

Hey, that’s just statistics
    Eb
So take a little break here
Abm
Kinda like a wake here
     Ebm
The scenery is fake here
      Eb            Ebm
But there's a giant snake here!

Interlude: Gm Gm Gm Bbm Db


Ensemble:
Eb
Welcome to a show about death!


Betelgeuse:
G
You’re…
                 G7
You’re gonna be fine…

THANK YOU!
        D
On the other side…

how you doin’?
C
Woah! Not good!
  G            F
Ba-be-ba-ba-be-bo-boo-bap-boop!


Fm
I’ll…
        Ebm
I’ll be your guide!
             Bb C
To the other side!
(nc)
Seriously, though, this is a show about-


Ensemble:
Bbm                                        Fm
Death is taboo, but it’s hardly something new
                 Bbm
There’s nothing medical professionals can do
       F          Fm
'Cept maybe just bill you

Betelgeuse, spoken:

If you die while listening to this album
                               F  Eb
It's still gonna keep playing


Ensemble:
            Bbm
There’s no destiny or fate
       Fm
Just a terrifying wait
            Bbm
Filled with people that you hate
             Eb                       C
And on a certain date, the uniVerse kills you!


Betelgeuse:

(nc)
That’s the thing with life:
                      Bb
No-one makes it out alive!
C              D      Cm
Toss that body in the pit
 G
“Gosh, it’s awful, ain’t it tragic?”
                      F
“Blah, blah, Bible Jesus magic.”
Cm
When you’re dead, who gives a xxxx?
Gm
No pilates, no more yoga!

“Namaste”, you freakin’ posers


Cm
From the cradle to cremation
Bb
Death just needs a little conversation!
D
I have mastered the art (Dies Irae!)
                   Eb   D
Of tearing convention apart (Dies Irae!)


     D
So, how about we All make a start (Dies Irae!)
        Ab   D      G
On the whole being dead thing!


All:
D                                                G
God, I hope you’re ready for a show about death!