Betelgeuse, sung: Gb Hey, folks! Begging your pardon! D ‘Scuse me! Sorry to barge in B A Now let’s skip the tears and start on the whole Ab Y’know Being dead thing Gbm You’re doomed! Enjoy the singing D The sword of Damocles is swinging B And if I hear your cell-phone ringing A I’ll kill you myself Abm The whole being dead thing! Bm Death can get a person stressed Gb “We should have carpe’d way more diems Now we’re never gonna see ‘em!" Abm I can show you what comes next Db So don’t be freaked D Stay in your seats I do this bullxxxx, like, eight times a week! Db So just relax, you’ll be fine Drink your fifty-dollar wine And take a breath! Ensemble: Welcome to a show about death! Betelgeuse: Gb You’re… E You’re gonna be fine… B On the other side… Gb DIE! YOU’RE All GONNA DIE! YOU’RE All GONNA DIE! Gb I'll... E I’ll be your guide... B To the other side… Ensemble: D Db Oh, and full disclosure: It’s a show about death! Betelgeuse: Gm Everybody gets on fine here Eb Like Rodgers, Hart, and Hammerstein here C The women’s bathroom has no line here Just... -nc- Pee where you want! A The whole being dead thing! Gm You’re just gonna love the folks here Eb Yeah, I know you’re woke, but you can take a joke here! C And every show I do, like, a ton of coke here The whole- heavy sniffing: pah-hah! The whole being dead thing! Cm Nobody is bullet-proof! G “I work out, I eat clean!” Gm F Jesus, pass the Dramamine Cm Time to face the brutal truth: Dm ‘Cause we’re All on a hitlist Might not live ‘till Christmas Choke to death on Triscuits Hey, that’s just statistics Eb So take a little break here Abm Kinda like a wake here Ebm The scenery is fake here Eb Ebm But there's a giant snake here! Interlude: Gm Gm Gm Bbm Db Ensemble: Eb Welcome to a show about death! Betelgeuse: G You’re… G7 You’re gonna be fine… THANK YOU! D On the other side… how you doin’? C Woah! Not good! G F Ba-be-ba-ba-be-bo-boo-bap-boop! Fm I’ll… Ebm I’ll be your guide! Bb C To the other side! -nc- Seriously, though, this is a show about- Ensemble: Bbm Fm Death is taboo, but it’s hardly something new Bbm There’s nothing medical professionals can do F Fm 'Cept maybe just bill you Betelgeuse, spoken: If you die while listening to this album F Eb It's still gonna keep playing Ensemble: Bbm There’s no destiny or fate Fm Just a terrifying wait Bbm Filled with people that you hate Eb C And on a certain date, the uniVerse kills you! Betelgeuse: -nc- That’s the thing with life: Bb No-one makes it out alive! C D Cm Toss that body in the pit G “Gosh, it’s awful, ain’t it tragic?” F “Blah, blah, Bible Jesus magic.” Cm When you’re dead, who gives a xxxx? Gm No pilates, no more yoga! “Namaste”, you freakin’ posers Cm From the cradle to cremation Bb Death just needs a little conversation! D I have mastered the art -Dies Irae!- Eb D Of tearing convention apart -Dies Irae!- D So, how about we All make a start -Dies Irae!- Ab D G On the whole being dead thing! All: D G God, I hope you’re ready for a show about death!
