Verse 1:
G                                 C                D
Hey honey, have you gained some weight in your rear-end
G                               C          D
The dress you wear reminds me of my old girlfriend
Em             D                   C                    G
And where'd you get those shoes, I think they're pretty lame
Em              D                   C                   G
Would you stop talking 'cause I'm trying to watch the game

Chorus:
Em                   G
If you're a man who wants to live
Em              G
a long and happy life
Em                     D                   G
These are the things you don't say to your wife

Verse 2:
G                        C                  D
I planned a hunting trip next week on your birthday
G                   C              D
I didn't ask you but I knew it'd be ok
Em             D                C            G
Go make some dinner while I watch this fishing show
Em             D         C         G
I taped it over our old wedding video

Chorus:
Em                   G
If you're a man who done that
Em              G
a long and happy life
Em                        D                   G
'Cause those are things you don't say to your wife

Verse 3:
G                         C               D
Your cooking is ok but not like Mother makes
G                         C               D
The diamond in the ring I bought you is a fake
Em             D               C           G
Your eyes look puffy, dear, are you feeling ill
Em           D           C            G
Happy anniversary, I bought you a treadmill

Chorus:
Em                  G
If you're a man who wants to live
Em                G
a long and happy (done that too)
Em                     D                   G
These are the things you don't say to your wife

Em                 G                 Em              G
If you're a man who doesn't want to get killed with a knife
Em                         D              G
These are the things you don't say to your wife
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